Five year old Patasca wearing my sandal for the photographI just got back from Haiti late last night.  Due to frequent power outages and problems with the internet connection in Port au Prince I was unable to blog or post any photos in flickr during my nine day stay there.   There are so many amazing and wonderful stories to tell..all heart breaking and heartwarming at the same.

While waiting to board my flight in Port au Prince I saw an American commercial running on the only television in the room.  The ad was showing the faces of children as they wake up on Christmas Day to find gifts underneath their lovely, lighted Christmas trees.  They smile and beam with joy as they excitedly ripped through the decorated wrapping papers with clean faces and nice pajamas of their posh decorated , I thought, what a slap in the face to all the Haitian children who sees this commercial and what a shock it was for me to find myself watching the advertisement when only minutes before I was saying goodbye to the children in the orphanage of Project Papillon.   

I remembered waking up Christmas morning at the orphanage hoping to see the children opening up their Christmas gifts, but all I saw was the children doing the usual things that they normally do and written on the board was, "Happy Birthday Jesus." The children didn't get to open any presents nor did they sing any Christmas carols.  Later on that night with continued power outage, I tried as hard as I could to hear some Christmas songs somewhere, but I could not hear anything, but a few sporadically.  It made me think of the song, "Do They Know It's Christmas." The children at the orphanage did not get a special meal because it's Christmas nor did they receive any gifts.  

I thought about my last visit to House #4 where all seven children living there are HIV positive. While the children was out playing and getting themselves cleaned up after the art activity, I helped the mother of house preparing their lunch.  I watched how she meticulously count to make sure that each child gets one pice of meat, no bigger than the size of a quarter in their bowl.  Meat is very expensive in Haiti and it is something the children do not get often.  

After I finished my lunch, I watched the children as they eat and quietly converse with one of another.  One of the little boys found a piece of meat in his bowl and instead of throwing it out, he asked James who sat a chair away from him he wanted it.  James said yes and Patasca (who is just 5 years old) offered to take that little piece of meat in his chubby little hand and gave it James. 

We take so many things for granted.  I cannot help but think about how unjust the world can be.  It is very shocking to be there and be a witness so much poverty and to be back home and see such an over-abundance of everything. 

I just booked my flight to Haiti.  I watched my computer screen as the airline started processing my me resting at the president of IDA's house in Takemou, Cambodia, for a long weekend and nursing a cold. ticket and as soon as it went through and I got a confirmation number, I started to get this tingling sensation all over my body.  It's anxiety mixed with both joy and fear.  I was afraid that it might not happen because I have been getting news that Haiti is not very safe for NGO's right now and that there are alot of issues going on with the hurricanes passing through mixed with famine within the country.  I was never discouraged to not stay with an organization, but with this one the director told me two weeks would be too much time because someone needs to be with me 24/7 due to circumstances there.  So instead of being in Haiti for two weeks as planned, I'll only be there a little bit over a week.  As always, I am very happy for this amazing opportunity to share my passion and LOVE with the children. 

At times I feel sad for myself that only when I am working with children and out in the field photographing is when I feel most alive. 

It's been awhile since I've written a journal entry here.  There are a million reasons why I haven't been writing just as there are a million reasons why I should be writing.

The news that was emailed to me by one of my coworkers from Indradevi Association is the main cause of my journal entry  tonight.  I got news that one of the PLHA's (People Living with HIV/AIDS)  that the organization have been providing healthcare to just passed away sometime last month.  This case is unique and special to me because she was the subject of a handful of my photographs while I was in Cambodia.

It took awhile for the email to sink in and when it did, my heart just ached all over.  Even though she and I barely spoke to one another aside from the smiles and side-way glances we threw each other's way, I felt connected to her because it was that something in her that made me interested in her enough to photography her.  I get attach to my subjects and there is a plus and a minus to this...knowing how ephemeral our place here on earth is, it's hard not to feel so intensely about something...

With her gone, I feel that other things in the slum of Boeung Kak Lake will be gone too.  Since returning from my trip, not a single day has gone by that I did not read the news about the development that's taking place there.  Hundreds of people will be displaced because the government wants to fill the lake up with sand and develop on the land...and I wonder about my students and their families...where will they go? who will support them?

I have been trying to cope with the changes in my life due to my experience in Cambodia, now I find that I have to cope with the loss of a community that I feel a connection with as well as mourning the loss of a sister I only knew through my lense.  I pray that she  that has finally found her peace.

For the first time in my life, I have seen all that my mom taught me put into practice here in Cambodia. When you meet someone the first time, you greet them with your hand in a prayer position and your head bow down. When you leave them, it's the same. As a woman, when you sit, you sit with both of your legs together and swing them to the side. When you laugh, cover your mouth so your teeth won't show. It is not proper when people can hear you laugh or see your teeth. The clothes that you were needs to be covering the rest of you. Tank tops are too risque and your skirt should not be higher than your knees. Then mom would stressed that you should not sit with your legs crossed as a woman because it is improper.

I knew all of this when I was younger, but somewhere along the line of searching for myself and my American dreams, I've lost all of this. Now while here, I am relearning and re-educating myself based on my conversations and observations of my friends and colleagues that I've met here in Cambodia. Many have asked me if this trip was to find my roots. At first I thought it would be, but then I have not even visited Laos, my birth place, nor Yunnan, my parents birthplace.  Even though the Khmer people are not Laos nor Chinese, being around them taught me how similar we all are as Southeast Asians. With the border dispute between Cambodians and Thais over Preah Vihear, there's a call of nationalism between both countries...and supposedly the Thais are denying having any similarities with Laos and Cambodia. 

I am getting side tracked here, but I wanted to end this blog with Edie's well-intended gesture. Edie is from Belgium who have happens to be crossing path with me while coming back to Phnom Penh from Siem Reap. I shared with him what my colleague Chamnab and I have been doing with the children and he said, "oh, I want to do magic shows for your children!" We all thought it was great so he came with us the next day. The children of course loved every minute of it. Well he asked me to go up on to the front and be his side kick. I did and sat on the chair as instructed. He showed the children the scarf he was going to use to wrap around my neck. He tucked the ends inside my t-shirt. A few seconds later, he pulled the scarf and attached between the two scarves was a bra. I was shocked, but thought it was funny. My students were shocked and all looked away without any sense of amusement whatsoever, but embarrassment I believe. I'm not sure if Edie caught it, but they didn't laugh as expected. Chamnab, by coworker was embarrassed and apologized to me for being there. I didn't think it was a big deal as an American who is quite liberal in her thinking, but I guess to them showing a woman's under garment in public like that is improper.

well almost.  I am finally done with my photography workshop with the children last week  and I'm trying to wind down here in Phnom Penh during my last week.   So many things have been happening the past few weeks that I cannot really keep everyone up to date about my life here in Phnom Penh and LOVE's photography workshop. 

To start, I had the opportunity to take my students to visit the amazing Nathan Horton's studio.  He was absolutely wonderful.  He showed the children lighting basics and had them shoot with his equipment and they absolutely loved it.   Afterwards, he showed them his workflow and how he edit his photos.   He also showed them his incredible work that's been published in Cambodia.   Then he surprised us all by giving each one of them, including me, his photos on canvas.  It was such a special moment for my students to see a photographer's studio and even more special was the kindness that Nathan showed them. 

I am continuing to learn, grow, and be surprised by life as always.  I supposed the most surprising things about my trip here is how I have actually been getting free lance projects in Phnom Penh and having my first solo exhibition.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think it could happen to me while I am away from home.   Everything was happening so fast that at times I could not digest it all,  but like they say swallow now and digest later.  Nathan Horton came through for me once again by helping me out with the editing process for Life in Black and White photo exhibition at Living Room Cafe and Gallery. 

The exhibition was all done within a week's notice.  And we actually got some press coverage from Voice Of America.  The show was broadcast in Cambodia Sunday night and I have yet to hear it.  I am a bit nervous about it because based on past experiences with the press, it is hard to get correct information.  But he interviewed my students from the slums too through the phone and spoke with Chamnab, IDA's program officer who had been working very closely with me and the children.  Without whom, my workshop here in Cambodia would be very difficult.